Grey's Anatomy: the bad and the good and the reality

I watch Grey's Anatomy pretty faithfully. I have since the first season. Before that I used to watch ER. Generally, it's the interpersonal relationships on the shows that keep me watching. The soap opera of it all. This last week's episode made me mad and happy all at the same time so I thought I would write down a few thoughts.

The bad mostly consists of absolutely ridiculous medical practices. As someone who works in a critical care environment this almost makes me want to throw my television across the room. For example, this past week there was a young woman who had her heart removed (never heard of this, but it's probably been done somewhere) and was on bypass, meaning all of her blood was, theoretically, exiting her body and being oxygenated through a machine then circulating back in. There was no machine in the room. There were barely any IV pumps. Then to top it all off they had her awake, looking quite perky I might add, with oxygen going into her nose!!! AAHHHHH! this makes me want to scream. In reality, I took care of a girl who still had her heart inside of her this last week, but she was on bypass for various reasons. GIGANTIC machines in her room not to mention the 9 IV infusions to keep her comatose and to maintain her blood pressure and multiple other things. The lack of medical integrity on the show drives me crazy. Oh yeah and the lack of nurses. Seriously, how is this even possible? sheesh.

The good, however, is very, very good. It's not the interpersonal stuff actually. It's the reminder for someone like me that what we do within the walls of a hospital is very, very important. The lack of sleep, the emotional strain, the hours without peeing, sometimes the days without eating are all worth it. It really is incredible to be part of a team of people who work together to save a stranger's life. I'm not sure how it happens but a person completely unknown to us comes through the doors of the hospital and somehow crossing that threshold makes them important to us. And it doesn't matter if they are a gangster, a person who lives on the street or a wealthy politician. We will honestly work and work until there really is nothing else to do. Sometimes it turns out very well, sometimes it doesn't. I think Grey's Anatomy does a good job of portraying this. The emotional part. The "we will do anything to try to save your life part". I find myself reminded with each episode that what I do is important and that's not a small thing.

So, the bottom line is, if you find yourself with someone you love in a critical medical situation (I hope you never do) please know we will try our hardest to save them and give them back to you. But please also realize that the reality is nothing like TV. Patients are usually unconscious on purpose. They are on ventilators. They have a ton of IV's and other tubes and they can't talk to you. But we will use all of those things to get them better. Slowly but surely. And if we can't get them better we will try very hard to help you and them to have the best end possible. Because you are important, they are important and what we do is very, very important.

memory

I just started reading Donald Miller's new book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: what I learned from editing my life." He starts the book talking about how his friend Bob writes down everything he remembers as he remembers it. I thought to myself, "that's kind of inspiring. Perhaps that's what I should do with my blog for a while, considering it has been so uninspired lately." And strangely enough, last night I shared one of my elementary school disciplinary memories with my India team because we were talking about disciplining children and how you should and shouldn't do it.

So here's my memory. Clearly this is not how to discipline me 'cause it didn't work for the long haul anyway.

Grade three. Mrs. Healey's class. I thought I was all that 'cause I was in the advanced math AND the advanced reading and writing groups. I think there were only 5 or 6 of us in these groups. I also knew that Mrs. Healey really liked me for some reason. Probably because I was generally in a good mood and had blonde hair and blue eyes. So, picture this, I was talking to the girl behind me. Full on, turned around in my desk talking about how Ken and Barbie had been doing very naughty things in the Barbie motor home the night before or something just as important. I was chatting and chatting and chatting. Suddenly I realized that NO ONE ELSE was talking....at all. I look up at the front and there was my beloved Mrs. Healey standing, arms crossed, clearly annoyed at my social behaviour. I was devastated and embarrassed. I can still feel the lump in my chest when I think about that moment. I can still picture the posters at the front of the room. It was awful but it didn't really do anything to change my behaviour 'cause I'm still pretty sure that every report card, in every grade following, the number one comment was "Laura talks too much in class." Still graduated with a 3.9 though. I guess if I'd shut up a little more I would've achieved the elusive 4.0. Maybe if Mrs. Healey had used a different tactic.

so many thoughts

Honestly, why do I go for a month without writing? It's silly because if you know me at all, you know I have a lot of thoughts that are just waiting to be expressed. I would probably write more if I didn't have such an extensive social circle. I am not complaining about having so many friends. In fact I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for the beautiful people in my life. However, I am saying that all the stories I am currently living often get expressed face to face.

Here is a brief overview of the overlapping stories of my life:

H1N1 and everything else that comes into the ICU

Yes, this is actually a story in my life. It is my story because it is the story of many of my patients. And, as much as we try, it is impossible for us nurses to keep ourselves out of these strangers stories. I have left work more than once in the past week overwhelmed by tragedy whether it is related to H1N1 or not. More than once I wanted to write "tragedy, oh the tragedy" as my facebook status but I thought it slightly melodramatic. But there is not a better word to describe the chaos of my workplace right now.

India

Late in December I am going with 10 others to one of the orphanages my church sponsors. We will spend Christmas with about 100 children and teenagers who are either true orphans or who are left by living parents at this place because their families are too poor. Leading this team is slightly overwhelming which is probably good because it means I can't do everything by myself and I don't really want to.

Back when I was interviewing people for this team I was having supper with a group of people. They were asking me how the team was coming together. I said it was slow but sure. One of the girls at the table who was just an acquaintance said, "Well, I just like spending Christmas with my family." Me, being me, spoke before my filter went up. "Yeah I bet the orphans would like that too."

Social activity

If my life consisted of just the two above stories I think I would curl up in a ball and die. So, I engage myself in social activity. These activities have included movies, beer, dinner, coffee and a GALA! Fun! I got to wear a fabulous dress and my Nine West shoes and drink wine and eat appetizers carried around by servers who had towels over their arms. And I bid on a few silent auction items. The prize I wanted most was a room redecoration using all your own stuff. I was sure it was going to be mine but at the last second some guy named Allan G outbid me by $10!! I hope I never meet Allan G in a dark alley.

Jesus

Fortunately, the one story that does infiltrate all the other stories is my story with Jesus. Sadly, my story with Jesus has been very rushed. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing shout outs as I run past Him. "Hey! Thanks for being in this story! Gotta go". And He nods and smiles and shakes His head with a smirk and says "Oh Laura, why on earth did I make you like this?" No, actually He's saying, "I'm not part of this story. I am the story. Everything else is part of Me. Don't live it all trying to take Me along. Live all of these stories in light of ME. In the context of Me. It will change everything." And that's when I realize that the ease of life is Jesus shining down His grace and the struggle of life is His grace too.

So I will continue on in the stories that fold themselves around me and look at them in the light of Jesus. It makes getting up for work at 545 just a little easier or staying awake all night for that matter. It makes using my free time preparing to spend two weeks with orphans that much sweeter. And it makes the sweetness of the beautiful people in my life that much sweeter.

conversation with pharmacy

Those of you who are my friends know there are two departments that make my days at work more interesting than they need to be. Those departments are the pharmacy and the lab. Today was no different. P=pharmacy M=Me

Phone rings

M-ICU, Laura speaking"

P-You're the nurse for patient S?"

M-Yes

P-We want to change the dose of the medication he's on. How do you feel about that?

M-How do I feel about that? I'm not sure I understand.

P-Well, how you feel about it?

M-I feel indifferent.

P-Oh. Can you ask Dr. W how she feels about changing the dose of the medication?

M-No.

P-No?

M-You can ask the doctor. Here's her pager number.

15 minutes later:

P-So I asked the doctor about how she feels about changing the dose and she feel fine so we changed it.

M-Great.

P-What times are you giving the med?

M-The times that the pharmacy put on the medication administration record.

P-Really? You're actually giving them at those times? (at this point I want to poke my eyes out)

M-Yes, I'm really giving them at those times. 1000 and 2200 like it says.

P-So the drug level that was drawn was it actually before the last dose was given?

M-What time was the drug level drawn?

P-925

M-Last time I checked that was before 10.

P-Oh, yeah I guess that's true.

M-Ok then.

kaiser wilhelm

"Find me a woman who loves beer and I could conquer the world" Kaiser Wilhelm II

Oh Wilhelm how did we miss each other?

"It's a good thing he never met you or the first world war would have turned out a little different." David Bretherick

Surely there's another man out there who wants to conquer the world with a woman who loves beer. No world war necessary.

capitalism: a love affair

This afternoon I saw Capitalism: a love affair, the new Michael Moore documentary. It was disturbing and interesting all at the same time. The main point of the movie is that capitalism will be the end of America and the country needs to reestablish itself along democratic lines. Moore really did show that each person exercising their right to vote does make a difference. When the masses work together they really can execute change. The movie showed the power of unions to establish fair work places. Moore also shows that true biblical Christianity and the message of Jesus do not align themselves with the conservative American right. That was refreshing.

In discussion following the movie we concluded that Capitalism really isn't the problem. Unionization and the assembly of the people are not the answers. Democracy is not the answer. The underlying problem is our selfish, greedy hearts and, as my pastor would say, the answer is Jesus and his ability to transform us. It sounds so Sunday School but really, if you really sit down and think about it, submitting ourselves to the transforming power of Jesus and His message could only result in good for us and for all those around us. Because we would then be walking in grace and putting others before ourselves, making sure the widow and the orphan are clothed and fed and doing all things out of love, standing up against injustice, loving God with all our hearts and souls and minds, loving our neighbours as ourselves and doing everything we can within our power to live in peace.

Now, I completely understand that that isn't reality and won't ever happen here on earth but I can do my part. I can work towards being a person who is everything listed above so my neighbour will be cared for. As a nurse, I can do everything within my power to make sure that universal health care remains a reality in Canada so that the street guy is in the room next to the politician and they are getting the exact same excellence of care simply because they are both human beings. I can allow the message and presence of Jesus to change me. I really do think it's my only hope.

should be

There is a lot of "should be" around me right now. I should be cleaning my kitchen, changing my sheets, folding my laundry, adjusting things on my new bike, sorting through mail from this last week, paying bills, getting some exercise etc. But I can't right now. I'm distracted by the pit in my stomach. The pit that is telling me to sort through some of my thoughts. So here goes. Please bear with me.

God Grew Tired of Us. A movie about The Lost Boys of Sudan and how some of them were relocated to places in the USA. Two things stood out to me. First, they totally didn't get how the Christmas tree and Santa fit into Christmas. "Aren't we supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and His birth in our hearts?" "Is Santa in the Bible?" They talked about how, in their country, on Christmas Eve, they prepare themselves for Jesus to be born in their hearts. We prepare our fingernails to get the tape of our gifts without wrecking the Christmas paper.

Second, they never looked at their opportunities in isolation. Making money meant they would help the people back home or each other here. They lived fully in a sense of community. One young man spoke about how we, in North America, don't pay attention to one another and he used the word shame. "It's a shame you can't go to some one's house you don't know." "It's a shame that when you see someone hurting you can't just put yourself into their problem." (I'm crying while I write this.) It is a shame and we should be ashamed. We talk about boundaries and how we should protect ourselves and we create places of comfort for ourselves and we are alone. It's shameful and it's not what Jesus wants.

More and more I am thinking about how I use my time, my money, my words, my entertainment. It's not that I think any of those things are wrong or bad. In fact I like them all. But how should I spend it? How do I spend my life treating others? Do I notice the wounded or the joyful? Do I put myself into their problem? Do I rejoice in their joy? Ultimately, is God glorified?

None of this rambling really has any conclusion but the questions cause me to move further into the throne room. To ask bigger questions of an infinite God. To dialogue with my friends and to learn and change and grow.

Life is change. Growth is optional. It's up to you.