what i've been doing

It's been almost a month since I posted. For two of those weeks I've been on vacation What have i been doing for those two weeks you ask? Well, I've been:

reading
saving sheep
painting my apartment
throwing stuff away
having days of fun with friends
visiting a cheese farm
visiting a winery
teaching someone scrabble who speaks english as a second language
contemplating what it means to be loved with an incorruptible love
prepping to lead 500 women in worship
writing a song
laughing
crying
spending an entire afternoon with my pregnant friend sitting on a couch doing absolutely nothing except chatting and giggling
drinking coffee
knitting
absolutely loving life

Now on Friday i have to go back to work...

president who?

My friend works at an inner city after school program. One day recently they were discussing the new President of the United States.

"does anyone know who Obama is?"

"he's the new president."

"does anyone know who the first president of the USA was?"

"George Washington."

"Can you think of anyone else named George who was president?'

"George Bush."

Then one of the kids wanted to ask a question:

"When was George Clooney president?"

Now there's a kid after my own heart.

the cleaning philosopher

I spoke to our new cleaning lady yesterday. First of all, she was stunned I actually spoke to her 'cause generally, as stupid as this sounds, nurses don't converse with cleaning people, unless it's to tell them to clean something faster. Anyway, I digress. So, she was cleaning my patient's room and I said, "hello, I'm Laura, what's your name?" "Boujana (?sp)." " where are you from?" "Poland." "thank you for cleaning my patient's room." "it's my job." "well, I really couldn't do my job if you weren't here, so thank you." Our conversation continued beyond the necessity of the housekeeper. Boujana has been in Canada for over 10 years and feels very embarrassed about her english. I asked her what she used to do in Poland. She looked at me sheepishly and I told her it was fine if she didn't want to tell me, but I could tell she kind of wanted to. So I waited. She said, "I was a Philosophy professor at a university." Now she cleans floors and beds and empties gigantic garbage cans. She said she just doesn't look back because it's better here and her children are happy and they are all in school. She has four children. The oldest is 21 and the youngest is 12. She said they are safe and they will get jobs. She smiled at me and said, "thank you for asking me my name. thank you for asking me questions." I said, "you're welcome and thank you."

New Year

As most people, I have been thinking about the last year and anticipating the year to come. In 2008, I bought a condo, travelled to India, worked through some difficult relationships, made some excellent new friends, said goodbye to others, witnessed some medical miracles, caught my first fish, danced at some weddings, laughed until I cried and cried until I fell asleep. I know Jesus a little more than I did this time last year and I am a little more changed.

Although I don't know what 2009 holds, I'm sure it will be full of beauty and sorrow, excitement and boredom, love and hate, expected and unexpected. Even though I don't know what this year holds I do know Who holds it. I take great comfort in knowing the One who knows all of my days before one of them even happens. Today, while making some goals for the year ahead I decided on some verses that will be my theme. Psalm 91:1,2. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Lord. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.'"

May 2009 be a year of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control for you, the ones you love and the world.

christmas

This morning, as I lay in bed, I realized that I have been so busy this past month that I have barely reflected on Christmas and it's significance. I did see a play a couple of weeks ago that keeps resonating in my head. It was a one man show. The character was Joseph, Jesus' step father. It was moving and enlightening to think about the birth, life and death of Christ from the perspective of Jesus' step father. Most theologians would say that Joseph died at some point during Jesus' childhood because he isn't mentioned in the scriptures. Regardless, this Joseph made some beautiful observations. He was confused at the thought of God fathering a child but he knew the baby needed a father here. He longed to protect him and see him grow up well. Besides, he really did love the Boy's mother. He reflected on the time Jesus stayed behind with the priests at the temple when he was 12 and how terrified he was that his Son was gone. He talked about when Jesus started his ministry and how He just left one day. Joseph said his Son looked at him and said, 'it's time for me to leave' and He did. He left for three years and did miracles, healing people, hanging out with sinners, pissing off the Pharisees. His earthly father heard about his activities through the grapevine. He couldn't believe his son was being accused of being the Messiah. And that is how this Joseph thought of this. An accusation. Jesus didn't fit the picture the Jews had of the Messiah. He wasn't driving out the Romans and bringing freedom to His people. But He was, and is, driving out sin and bringing freedom to all people. All the things the Jews wanted this perfect baby, born in what seemed to be an imperfect way, to be, He is. He is all of these things, just in a completely different way. He is the King of Kings, He does drive out the enemy, He is the ultimate sacrifice, He is good news for all people, He is Immanuel-God with us.

When thinking about which is more important, Christmas or Easter, I am at a loss. Without the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, there is no forgiveness of sins. However, without Jesus being born of a virgin, without sin, there is also no forgiveness of sins. So, I guess neither is more important than the other. It is a symbiotic relationship. He was born to die, and even received an embalming spice, myrrh, as a gift from one of the Magi. But He wasn't only born to die, He was born to live again. So, that is why today is so important. If He was never born, what hope would we have? If He was never sacrificed, where would we find forgiveness? If He never rose again, why would we long for heaven?

"'Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord'...And suddenly, there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

'Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace among those on whom His favor rests!'"

too young

Warning: This is not a happy story.

Although I see tragic things on a pretty regular basis at my job, I haven't lost sleep over a patient for a good 5 years or so. Until this week. On Monday I had a particularly difficult day. I will spare you all the details. First, because there are too many details to relay and two, it's too difficult to put all of the details into normal language. I'll just give you some highlights. The patient was a 21 year old woman. She came to hospital in the morning to the Emergency Room. She lost the ability to breathe properly around 1 in the afternoon needing to have a breathing tube put in. She came to the ICU around 4. She was dead at 815 in the evening after 5 cardiac arrests in 45 minutes. I walked out of work at 840 in a bit of a daze. The worst part of all of this was her family. These poor people brought their sick daughter to the hospital probably thinking she needed some antibiotics and a few short hours later she was gone. I can barely wrap my head around the flurry of activity. How on earth will these people cope? I have stood by many people as their loved ones die. Usually I have some semblance of a relationship with them. I had not even met most of these people and I certainly don't remember their names. Yet I ushered them into the room, "You must come in now. Quickly. Please, can you walk a little faster. We don't have much time. I want you to be able to say goodbye." We did CPR and bagged oxygen into her lungs so the she was 'alive' enough for her family to say goodbye. They cried and looked at us in disbelief. Our eyes got watery and our chests got heavy. And after a few minutes the room got very quiet. Nurses moved quietly but quickly to turn off machines so they wouldn't alarm. The Respiratory Therapist removed the bag from the tube going into her lungs. The doctor said, "we're done", then looked at the family and said, "I'm so sorry." They continued to cry.

Yesterday I had a long conversation with the doctor because I have relived this situation over and over as I try to fall asleep at night. Bottom line is she was incredibly sick before she arrived at hospital. Nothing could have been done differently to change the outcome. And intrinsically I know this. However, the knowledge doesn't help the hurt. It just explains it.

The best thing I can do is remember the times when we worked our asses off and the outcome was gloriously different. The mother of twins who nearly bled to death but didn't. The 15 year old who should be horrendously brain damaged but isn't. The father who was smoked by a car and essentially died twice who brought us a card and chocolates for Christmas this week three years after he was discharged from the hospital. The list goes on and on. That is why it is worth not eating for hours at a time or peeing until you just can't hold it any longer. That is why it is worth staying up all night on a regular basis. Those few moments when a former patient comes to visit and you can think, "I was a small part of that." What a privilege.

wanna cookie?

I really want to post something amusing and light but I'm having a difficult time coming up with something. How sad is that?! So, maybe I'll just tell you what I'm planning to bake tomorrow for Christmas baking. It will be in my freezer so I encourage you to call me and invite yourself over. I will make tea or coffee and serve you yummy treats and we can stare at my Christmas tree while listening to Frank Sinatra croon some Christmas classics. It will be lovely!

This is what I'm baking:

Peanut Butter Blossoms
Turtle brownies
Ginger Snaps (the soft kind)
Cranberry Orange cookies

YUMMY!!