christmas

This morning, as I lay in bed, I realized that I have been so busy this past month that I have barely reflected on Christmas and it's significance. I did see a play a couple of weeks ago that keeps resonating in my head. It was a one man show. The character was Joseph, Jesus' step father. It was moving and enlightening to think about the birth, life and death of Christ from the perspective of Jesus' step father. Most theologians would say that Joseph died at some point during Jesus' childhood because he isn't mentioned in the scriptures. Regardless, this Joseph made some beautiful observations. He was confused at the thought of God fathering a child but he knew the baby needed a father here. He longed to protect him and see him grow up well. Besides, he really did love the Boy's mother. He reflected on the time Jesus stayed behind with the priests at the temple when he was 12 and how terrified he was that his Son was gone. He talked about when Jesus started his ministry and how He just left one day. Joseph said his Son looked at him and said, 'it's time for me to leave' and He did. He left for three years and did miracles, healing people, hanging out with sinners, pissing off the Pharisees. His earthly father heard about his activities through the grapevine. He couldn't believe his son was being accused of being the Messiah. And that is how this Joseph thought of this. An accusation. Jesus didn't fit the picture the Jews had of the Messiah. He wasn't driving out the Romans and bringing freedom to His people. But He was, and is, driving out sin and bringing freedom to all people. All the things the Jews wanted this perfect baby, born in what seemed to be an imperfect way, to be, He is. He is all of these things, just in a completely different way. He is the King of Kings, He does drive out the enemy, He is the ultimate sacrifice, He is good news for all people, He is Immanuel-God with us.

When thinking about which is more important, Christmas or Easter, I am at a loss. Without the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, there is no forgiveness of sins. However, without Jesus being born of a virgin, without sin, there is also no forgiveness of sins. So, I guess neither is more important than the other. It is a symbiotic relationship. He was born to die, and even received an embalming spice, myrrh, as a gift from one of the Magi. But He wasn't only born to die, He was born to live again. So, that is why today is so important. If He was never born, what hope would we have? If He was never sacrificed, where would we find forgiveness? If He never rose again, why would we long for heaven?

"'Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord'...And suddenly, there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

'Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace among those on whom His favor rests!'"

too young

Warning: This is not a happy story.

Although I see tragic things on a pretty regular basis at my job, I haven't lost sleep over a patient for a good 5 years or so. Until this week. On Monday I had a particularly difficult day. I will spare you all the details. First, because there are too many details to relay and two, it's too difficult to put all of the details into normal language. I'll just give you some highlights. The patient was a 21 year old woman. She came to hospital in the morning to the Emergency Room. She lost the ability to breathe properly around 1 in the afternoon needing to have a breathing tube put in. She came to the ICU around 4. She was dead at 815 in the evening after 5 cardiac arrests in 45 minutes. I walked out of work at 840 in a bit of a daze. The worst part of all of this was her family. These poor people brought their sick daughter to the hospital probably thinking she needed some antibiotics and a few short hours later she was gone. I can barely wrap my head around the flurry of activity. How on earth will these people cope? I have stood by many people as their loved ones die. Usually I have some semblance of a relationship with them. I had not even met most of these people and I certainly don't remember their names. Yet I ushered them into the room, "You must come in now. Quickly. Please, can you walk a little faster. We don't have much time. I want you to be able to say goodbye." We did CPR and bagged oxygen into her lungs so the she was 'alive' enough for her family to say goodbye. They cried and looked at us in disbelief. Our eyes got watery and our chests got heavy. And after a few minutes the room got very quiet. Nurses moved quietly but quickly to turn off machines so they wouldn't alarm. The Respiratory Therapist removed the bag from the tube going into her lungs. The doctor said, "we're done", then looked at the family and said, "I'm so sorry." They continued to cry.

Yesterday I had a long conversation with the doctor because I have relived this situation over and over as I try to fall asleep at night. Bottom line is she was incredibly sick before she arrived at hospital. Nothing could have been done differently to change the outcome. And intrinsically I know this. However, the knowledge doesn't help the hurt. It just explains it.

The best thing I can do is remember the times when we worked our asses off and the outcome was gloriously different. The mother of twins who nearly bled to death but didn't. The 15 year old who should be horrendously brain damaged but isn't. The father who was smoked by a car and essentially died twice who brought us a card and chocolates for Christmas this week three years after he was discharged from the hospital. The list goes on and on. That is why it is worth not eating for hours at a time or peeing until you just can't hold it any longer. That is why it is worth staying up all night on a regular basis. Those few moments when a former patient comes to visit and you can think, "I was a small part of that." What a privilege.

wanna cookie?

I really want to post something amusing and light but I'm having a difficult time coming up with something. How sad is that?! So, maybe I'll just tell you what I'm planning to bake tomorrow for Christmas baking. It will be in my freezer so I encourage you to call me and invite yourself over. I will make tea or coffee and serve you yummy treats and we can stare at my Christmas tree while listening to Frank Sinatra croon some Christmas classics. It will be lovely!

This is what I'm baking:

Peanut Butter Blossoms
Turtle brownies
Ginger Snaps (the soft kind)
Cranberry Orange cookies

YUMMY!!

invitation

My friends Steve and Evy run a retreat centre in the heart of Abbotsford. It's a beautiful peaceful place. Tonight they hosted an open house based around the theme of invitation. The rooms of the retreat centre were decorated in various themes. On the outside of the door there would be a sign that would say something like, "Will you invite Jesus into your dreams and plans?" or "Invite Jesus into your chaos." In the first room, the dreams and plans room, I couldn't get away from the question, "what exactly does it mean to invite Jesus in?" I think we spend a lot of time talking to Him and telling him about situations and asking him to fix situations but do we really invite him into the midst of the situation? I'm pretty sure I don't. Would things look a little different if I actually did this? Now, don't get me wrong, I think about Jesus all the time. I talk to him all the time. Then I turn to whatever it is that is important in that moment. But would that moment be different if I invited Jesus to come with me? Of course it would. To invite means "to request the presence or participation of in a kindly, courteous, or complimentary way, esp. to request to come or go to some place, gathering, entertainment, etc., or to do something." I think it takes the whole sense of prayer and supplication to a different level. Not only do I pray to you Saviour, Lord, Redeemer, Friend, I invite you into the midst of these prayers. Not only do I pray for resolve of this situation, a fulfillment of this promise, strength to get through this day, I invite You into the midst of it all. I guess this all culminates in the question, "Would this, or that, look different if Jesus was present in it? And, if so, how?"

I'm glad I went to spend some moments in silence inviting Jesus into so many areas of my life. However, I do find myself in the middle of many more questions now. I think that might be the point. To live in the centre of the questions with Jesus right alongside.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers that cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it live along some distant day into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke

my favorite india moment

Amidst the chaos, or shall I say mayhem, or maybe bedlam, or pandemonium, that is the traffic in India, I found myself in my favorite moment. We were at the end of a 10 hour drive into Ludhiana and we were slowly making our way to the hotel. This tuck tuck was suddenly in front of me. The women looked at me and I looked at them and we smiled. I held up my camera and they nodded. I took this picture. Then we looked at each other for a little longer, all the while smiling. As the tuck tuck pulled away they waved and I waved and I think we all knew that something special had transpired. I found myself praying for these women this afternoon as I drove to and from my parents house. Maybe I'm the only person who will ever pray for them.

imagine

Imagine what it would be like to be someone who was told you could not go to a school because your skin was black. Imagine having to use a separate bathroom or not being able to eat in any restaurant you desired. Imagine knowing someone who had been lynched and burned and tortured. Imagine having a family history of slavery. Imagine hoping and wishing and praying that one day it would be different. Imagine being that person yesterday casting a vote, praying it will matter, and then seeing the results. I think the outcome of the American Presidential race means that there is hope that things can change beyond our wildest dreams.

poverty

I have had the privilege of visiting various countries around the world. Mexico, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Burundi and on Sunday I am heading to India. One thing all of these countries have in common is there is unrelenting poverty while we North Americans continue to consume and increase in so many ways.

I think of this young boy often. I met him over a year ago for a few brief moments but his presence has marked me in a significant way. Because of poverty he is likely blind now. Because of poverty and it's claws he will likely not live a very long life. I'm sure this is the only shirt he ever wears and it will eventually fall apart around him.

Conversations at work often turn to poverty because I cannot keep my mouth shut when people complain in the midst of their wealth. To quote an old pastor of mine, "If you get to choose what you are going to wear each day, if you get to choose what you will eat, if you get to choose how you will spend your time, if you never worry about where you will lay your head, if you can find medicine to help with what ails you, you are wealthy beyond imagination." What will we do with that wealth in the midst of poverty that has taken hold of so many?

One way to help is to sponsor a child or organizations that help children. Over time I have had the privilege of seeing children I have sponsored come out of the cycle of poverty eventually attending university. Looking at pictures of 'my kids' over the years shows them growing and healthy. Although he or she is just one child among the millions, he or she is a child who will become an adult who hopefully changes the face of the nation they live in. Try sponsorship. It is worth every penny.

Here are a few links to take a look at:

child of mine

compassion

world vision

The Wrecking Crew and VIFF

This afternoon I went to see a Vancouver International Film Festival (VIFF) film called The Wrecking Crew. It is about approximately 20 musicians who transformed Rock 'n' Roll in the 50's, 60's and early 70's in L.A. Occasionally I found myself shaking my head at the sheer genius of some of these people. Tommy Tedesco is the inspiration for the film. His son, Denny, made the documentary to honour and remember his father. However one of the highlights of the movie is the one woman, Carol Kaye, who played some of the most incredible bass lines in history. She is quirky and brilliant. All of the musicians are inspirational. I sat in the theatre and thought, "I need to quit watching TV to practice piano and guitar and saxaphone ALL the time."

Kudos to my cousin, Alan Franey, President of VIFF. The Wrecking Crew was one of his recommendations. He organized an amazing festival this year. The theatre I was in this afternoon was chock a block full. 20 years ago the festival was practically nothing. Now it goes for 2 weeks showing films at 9 theatres. The festival is sponsored by Visa, Rogers, Telefilm Canada and The Vancouver Sun.

My cousin is many years older than me. I remember as a 6 or 7 year old being at my aunt and uncle's house and Alan would be in the basement watching films being played from an old projector onto a portable screen. I would go down there and watch some of those films with him mesmerized by the clicking sound of the projector. The most striking memory was a documentary on birth. Really, no 6 or 7 year old should watch an artsy film on birth with full on nakedness but I was not embarrassed or traumatized. I was fascinated. I think I asked him to let me watch it again. It's funny that the direction of someone's life is so clear when you look back. Alan was always meant to do what he's doing now. From watching and showing films in the basement of his parents house to watching around the world and showing in Vancouver. If you missed the festival this year, keep your eyes open for the festival next year. It is well worth it.

amusing political discovery

As passionate as I am about voting (see previous post) I do believe it's important to find some political things amusing. So it is with great pride that I announce that the Work Less Party's head office is about a 15 minute walk from my house. It's on Commercial Drive. Really, could it be anywhere else?

voting

Yesterday at work some people from Elections Canada went around the hospital and asked patients whether or not they would like to vote. First, I am very impressed that Elections Canada does this. The right to vote is taken very seriously by our fabulous country. Second, I cannot believe anyone would say 'no' but they did. Do these people not understand what a privilege it is to vote? Do they not get that they actually do make a difference with their one 'x'? Having met many people who come from countries where they line up for days to exercise this right, it frustrates me to no end that there are people I know who don't take this seriously. Please, if you are a functional adult who cares about what happens in our country, whether it be health care or the economy or stewardship of the environment, VOTE. It's amazing that your opinion matters and it does. Besides, if you don't vote, you can't complain. That's what my Grade 9 social studies teacher said and I've never forgotten it. If you don't know where to vote go to this website and it'll help you out.

http://www.elections.ca/home.asp

parking karma

I don't really like the word 'karma' but I can't think of another word that works. I mean I honestly have UNBELIEVABLE parking karma which is very valuable in Vancouver as parking tends to be difficult to come by. Or at least it can be very expensive. Take today for example. (Note it is only 11:15). This morning I go to my workplace to interview for a new job. I arrive in the general vicinity with about 7 minutes to spare. As I drive along I pray out loud, "oh please let there be a parking spot" as hospital zones tend to be a little busy. Sure enough there is an open metred spot right outside the door I need to go in. I park, dig out my wallet and go to the metre to discover there is still 1 hour and 7 minutes of parking left on this metre. AMAZING! Then I go pick something up from our church office. Parking spot right outside the door. This continues as I stop to do various errands this morning. Parking karma I tell you. I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

dates. the kind you go on, not the kind you eat.

I have been on many different kinds of dates with many different men/boys.

Best date: dinner and a play with a really cute guy who had berated his friends for not introducing me to him earlier.

Worst date: Lunch with a guy who looked at me at the end and said, "I suppose I should pay for this." My biggest regret is not saying, "well, yeah you should 'cause it's going to be your only chance." A number of my male friends wanted his address so they could beat him up.

Blind date #1: A couple of years ago I was a faculty member at Trinity Western University. My students were quite distressed that I was not married yet and set to trying to find me a husband. Although the average age of nursing students at TWU is about 19, there was one mature student. She was in her 40's. She set me up with her brother. Now, I'm game for practically anything, but I did experience a little anxiety when I realized this person was 15 years older than me. We met for dinner at a nice place in Vancouver. He was an attractive man and a pretty good conversationalist. We talked about work and where we'd grown up. About our families and places we had travelled. He started talking about high school and how we have all made mistakes and I nodded in agreement wondering where this was going. He said when he was in grade 12 he had fathered a child. I nodded compassionately while frantically calculating how old this child must be now. As I calculated in my head he said, "Now I have three grandchildren." I seriously must have looked stunned. Calculating ages quickly turned to "holy crap, I can't be a grandmother!" which turned to me finishing the three bites of food left on my plate. He paid for the meal and walked me to my car. That was the end of that.

Blind date #2: My friends parents and this guys parents were in a bible study together. They all knew we were both single so it was destiny right?! anyway, we met at a Starbucks in Surrey 'cause this guy lived there and he didn't want to drive over a bridge. This should have tweaked a number of red flags early on. He got there first and bought himself a coffee before I arrived thus keeping himself from having to buy me a coffee. He then proceed to talk about himself for one hour and 10 minutes pausing briefly to ask me, "so why AREN'T you married?" I thought to myself at that moment, "well, I know why you aren't." Shockingly, I went out with this guy again. See 'worst date' above.

Hilarious highlight to this blind date is my friend's husband, who just happens to be the lead pastor at my church, drove by to make sure I was okay. (just to clarify, this was before Westside existed.) He came by in his minivan with his, at the time, 3 year old in the car seat. He went through the drive thru very slowly and says he stopped and stared at me for quite some time. I must have been mesmerized by my date 'cause I didn't even notice him. He laughed and laughed the next time I saw him.

Well, there are a couple of stories which often make me smile. I'm glad I took the chances I did otherwise there would be not stories to tell. If a blind date was offered again I would go. Who knows? It may just turn out entirely different next time.

devotion or not?

Sometimes people's sense of devotion is a little over the top. I had an interesting conversation with the daughter of one of my patients and I can honestly say I am concerned about her definition of devotion. This lovely 40 something year old woman works 9-5 monday to friday and then spends the other 16 hours of her day with her elderly mother. EVERYDAY of the year. She does not have a family of her own, nor does she have any hobbies. Her mother is in hospital and she sits outside the ICU in the waiting room all day and night except for one hour when she goes home to take a shower. She lives 10 minutes away. I tried to get her to go home tonight so she could sleep in her bed and not in a chair. She would not agree to leave. I said, "leaving does not diminish the love you have for your mother. Your mother probably wants you to take care of yourself. How will you be able to care for her if you don't care for yourself?" As our conversation continued I finally said the thing I wanted to say, "what will you do when your mother dies? She is going to die one day, whether it's while she's in the hospital now or a year from now but it is going to happen. What will you do?" She could not answer me. I don't think she knows what she would do. Her entire life is her mother. I don't think that's what devotion to a parent looks like. I don't think that's what devotion to anyone looks like. I'm pretty sure devotion to someone else should make you more of the person you are intended to be. Devotion to another person should make you bloom like a flower not wither like a weed. I prayed for my patient's daughter as she walked away from me. I prayed that she would somehow come to understand that this life is a gift and that she would experience it to the full. I prayed that she would understand what love for her mother should look like. I prayed that she would be okay.

GREAT weekend.

So I promise this post will have a much sunnier disposition than my last one! This has been a fantastic weekend. On Friday I was at a BBQ with most of the people I am going to India with. Then most of us headed to an art show of one of our team members. She is displaying and selling her photos in a chocolate shop called Cocoa Nymph. It's just west of Alma on the north side of 10th. You should go. Her photos will be there until my birthday. That's October 13th in case you were wondering.

Saturday was the pinnacle of the weekend. I was up early buying last minute items for the appetizers I needed to make. The day before I had done all of the baking so just the appy's were left. I tend to try making things I've never made before when people are coming over and Saturday was no exception. First time making hummus. It was pretty good. About three hours went by and all the appy's were ready. Then I had some company who helped me move all of my furniture around to accommodate the possible 30-40 people that could invade my 700 square foot apartment. Around 430 the guests started arriving. Slowly at first and then the tidal wave came. At the peak of the party I had about 35 people filling every corner. It was amazing!! I am so happy that this little piece of property I own is conducive to parties 'cause I really like throwing them. I really like the process of planning and inviting and preparing. Friends came from as far as Abbotsford to celebrate my home with me. I felt very loved. I received a LOT of wine. There are 9 bottles of unopened wine in my home so if you'd like to share some wine drop me a line or give me a call. I also received homemade preserves and the extension set to one of my favorite games. GREAT day!

Sunday was my church having an outdoor service right on the edge of the water complete with testimonies and baptisms. Inspirational stories of how God speaks to people individually and draws them to Himself. Five people shared their stories in front of hundreds of others in a public setting. Brave souls. Then they got dunked in the Pacific Ocean. I had the privilege of playing in the band. It was awesome.

Now I have to rearrange furniture and finish cleaning to prepare for the first night of my Small Group Community!

unbelievable

Today I experienced one of the most condescending things a doctor has ever said to me. The worst part is he isn't actually a doctor yet. He's what we call an MSI-medical student intern. So, let me set this up. I was taking care of a man who had been in the ICU for a while. Strangely we're not exactly sure what is wrong with him. He clearly has neurological deficits that were not present before he came into the hospital. He is NOT sleeping. And I don't just mean not sleeping for long periods of time I'm talkin' full on insomnia. No sleep ever. We are doing rounds which really just means 9,000 people standing around talking about a patient and their progress. (We do this everyday, sometimes twice.) So rounds is going on and on and I pipe in saying, "oh yeah, he's not sleeping. Do you think you could order a sleeping pill?" to which the Attending physician says, "I'm not convinced sleeping affects the outcome of patients in the ICU" to which I say, "what?! so the single most healing thing our body does isn't actually that important". This then begins a long discussion between me and the Attending whom I have known for a long time. The discussion ends with, "well clearly you and I are not reading the same critical care research studies." THEN....from out of nowhere, the MSI says, "maybe you could just dim the lights at night." ARE YOU KIDDING?!!! Dim the lights? I never thought of that. Maybe I should turn my own lights off at night. Wow, that explains so much! So friends, if you are having trouble sleeping just dim the lights. The almost doctor says so.

lifeboat

I had a very interesting conversation today about how we, as humans, tend to put ourselves in a hierarchy. It stemmed from the 'social experiment' at the end of The Dark Knight. If you haven't seen it and you want to you might want to stop reading here. So.... near the end of the movie the people of Gotham are being evacuated on ferries in an attempt to get away from the Joker's reign of terror. There is a ferry full of average citizens and a ferry full of prisoners along with some guards. The ferries suddenly stop working and the voice of the Joker comes over the intercom system saying "each ferry has a detonator that can explode the other ferry. If neither blows up the other I will blow up both at midnight." Of course this is said with much more bravado and an incredibly creepy voice. The conversations between passengers then begin. On the average citizen boat the argument is, "those prisoners chose their destiny. They've had their chance." On the prisoners boat, "It's what they would expect us to do." I won't tell you what happens to the ferries but I'm sure you've had a gut reaction as to what you would do.

The conversation about the movie morphed into the lifeboat dilemma and how people use other people as their measuring sticks. Then how we as Christians compare ourselves to other Christians instead of Jesus 'cause it makes us feel better. We talked about where all of this comes from inside of us. And it's an ugly place. It's a place that needs to be redeemed and transformed. Each and everyone of us has the capacity to justify the destruction of another based on human righteousness. There is always someone who is worse than us. There is always someone who is better. That is why the measuring stick needs to be perfection in the person of Jesus.

As we continued we finally realized that the only right answer, the only righteous answer, to the lifeboat dilemma is letting everyone else take a spot. Choosing to not have a spot at all. If that is our initial gut reaction then maybe, just maybe, we understand just a little what Jesus is like 'cause that's what he did. He gave us all a spot on the lifeboat even though none of us earned it. It's funny how when it comes down it this is where we end up. Vying for a place on the proverbial lifeboat when we don't have to vie at all. We just need to accept the place that is freely given to us. Now that's a little humbling isn't it?

home sweet home

I am realizing that my inner being craves time at home doing domestic things like baking and cleaning. I believe this has a lot to do with how much I love the space I live in. Buying this condo is the best thing I've done in a very long while. Everyone who comes here usually says one of two things: "It's so peaceful." "It's so cozy." These phrases are usually uttered while looking around with a smile.

The journey to owning this condo was wrought with a little drama however. I remember looking at pictures of this place online that my realtor had sent me. I remember thinking "that place is probably gone already. I could never get that place." Then when I started looking my realtor brought me here and instantly I felt inside "I want to live here." I put an offer in. Then the drama began. Possession dates. Renegotiation of the price because of some inspector stuff. My realtor advised me to walk away. So I did. I was really sad. I started looking at other places while mourning the loss of this place. Nothing really seemed right. After a few weeks went by my realtor called and asked if I was still interested. The rest is history and here I am. Sitting on my new couch in love with my condo.

I guess the old adage about love is true about real estate too. If you love something, set it free. It will come back if it was meant to be.

morning

I really, really hate waking up before 730. It's wrong. Waking up to cheery radio voices does not make 545 any easier. I think I need to figure out which nurse in history decided that we should all start working in the hour that starts with a 7. I don't like her at all.

nursey words and phrases I like

Because I am at work I am surrounded by nursey language. Here are some of my favorite words and phrases. If you figure a couple of these out you might just be disgusted. I'll try to keep it tame.

• Inspiratory wheeze
• Precordial thump
• insitu
• empyema
• purulent
• neuro breath
• ICUitis
• loculated
• self limiting
• stat
• code brown

One rather disturbing thing that all of us do is to describe various body fluids by equating it with food. Commonly used foods include:

• vanilla pudding
• mustard
• rotten sour cream
• red juice
• prune juice
• There are many more but I fear you may never read my blog again.
  

Finally, this next list is some things that all of us who have been nursing for more than 10 years can relate to. All of these phrases start with, "you know you're a nurse when...

• You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
• You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
• You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
• When checking the level of orientation of a patient... you aren't sure of the answer.
• Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank
• Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural
• You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help.
• You don't get excited about blood loss... unless it's your own

a conglomeration of information....hey that rhymes!

First of all I would like to confess to all who care that I ate McDonald's cheeseburgers last night. yes, it's true. I just couldn't fend off the niggling desire any more. A girl will relent after a good 3 or 4 months of persistent cravings. And, oh my goodness, it was delicious. Confession over. Let's move on.

Shooting stars are beautiful. Lying on a blanket with a good friend watching shooting stars is even more beautiful. Somehow being outside late at night brings out great conversation. I love honest conversations. I love silly conversation. I love talking about Jesus and how He's changing me and hearing about how He's changing others. I really love that Beth has an inspiratory wheeze when she's laughing heartily.

I found out yesterday that unexpected people read my blog. It was very heartwarming. Sometimes it feels like I write these words and send them out into cyberspace and no one really cares. Thanks for reading! And if you'd like to leave a witty, or not so witty, comment that'd be great.

Yesterday at work I was taking care of a particularly sick patient. It was me and two of the docs in the room for a good 3 hours just doing procedure after procedure. One of our senior residents is a smallish guy with a big heart. We had to pull the patient up the bed so she was in the right position for one of the procedures. This smallish doc offered to help me. "1, 2, 3" We pull her up and the patient moves about 6 inches up and over towards me leaving her at an angle in the bed. He looks up at me and says with a smirk, "clearly there is a power differential here." Oh the light moments in the midst of the chaos!

Two weeks ago, before I went to Terrace, I got my new couch complete with a movable chaise lounge. Unfortunately the legs for the movable part didn't come with the couch. They are coming today!! YAY for being able to lounge comfortably!

Sometimes when I look at my calendar for the fall I feel a little panicky. How will I get this all done?! But I always do and it's always fun.

Okay friends, thanks for reading this mess. I'm sure I have even more thoughts that just aren't surfacing right now. They will probably come to me in the middle of the night at work tonight. Now I must clean my house. As my mother always said, "It's not going to clean itself you know." They make self cleaning ovens. Why not self cleaning apartments? Now there's an idea!

silly girls

For the last week I've been in the middle of nowhere. I'm not being facetious when I say that. I've driven a lot of roads that have a had a lot of signs that say, "check your fuel 'cause there's no gas station for a really long time." Okay, the sign doesn't say that exactly but you get my drift.

It has been a glorious week. Dave, Karla and I drove to Terrace in a little over 15 hours which is incredibly good. I ate KFC in Smithers which seems to be becoming a tradition 'cause I did the exact same thing last year. We went straight to Karla's family reunion at a campground pretty close to Terrace for two nights. On Monday me and Karla drove to Kinaskan Provincial Park (Dave left earlier with his Dad). To pass our time, 4 hours, we chewed a lot of Hubba Bubba, blew bubbles and cracked our gum. And we looked for bears, which we saw.

When we arrived at the campground, the lovely, manly men set up our tents so Karla and I could go fishing. We went fishing at 930 in the evening 'cause the sun doesn't go down until well after 10. It's actually still light enough to see at 11. Now I haven't fished since I was 8 so really this is my first time. David gives me a quick tutorial on the fishing rod and off we go. We canoed for a little while to find a good spot and about 20 minutes in I catch one. I reel it in and Karla gets it into the net. It's a decent sized rainbow trout that's flip flopping away in the bottom of the canoe. For some reason both Karla and I start screaming like little girls which quickly descends into uncontrollable giggling followed by screaming whenever the fish jumps. We start to paddle furiously back to shore which is very difficult to do when you are laughing uncontrollably. Because sound travels so unbelievably well on a lake, strangers are coming to the shore and yelling, "just kill it!" to which Karla responds, "I just can't!" while I continue to laugh. We can both see David standing on the shore shaking his head. Mercifully David kills the fish and then proceeds to clean it for me. We ate it about 30 minutes later cooked with onions, lemon and butter. Scott's specialty.

In the next few days I will post pictures of our adventure. It was beautiful and peaceful and exactly what I needed to calm my soul. It was good to be away from email and phones. It was good to rest in Jesus in the midst of His creation. It was good. And there is more good to come. The next few weeks, months, years are full of good things I am sure. Sometimes it just takes getting away from all the goodness to have eyes to see how good it all is.

thoughts in the middle of the night

So I am at work and on a break and felt like I wanted to write some stuff on my blog because it has been a long time. also, Beth grunted today when I said, "I haven't blogged for a while." Beth grunting is motivation enough to post so here goes.

We went out for lunch today. Me and Beth and her lovely friend. We went to The Five Point which is a fabulous pub. On the menu it said, "if your brunch takes longer than 45 minutes it's free." I noticed this and thought, "it just can't take that long." Well, I was wrong. We sipped our beverages and waited. When the clock struck 2, almost an hour after ordering, our food appeared. Our waitress acknowledged it took too long and said our meals would be free. Then I started eating my delicious burger. As I got to the center of my burger I noticed it had a decidedly pink hue. Well, it was actually raw. So, after a 45 minute wait, my food wasn't even cooked. But we got EVERYTHING for free!

On a completely different note, as I am at work I am having lots of thoughts about my job. I am blessed and honoured that I get to be a nurse. In what other job do you get to cry with, laugh with, comfort, bathe, medicate, hold, read to, sing to, pray for, treat, advocate for people and keep them safe? Where else would I encounter the strength of emotion and compassion that keeps me awake all night so that somebody else makes it through the night? I remember hearing someone say, "the world would be so perfect if no one ever got sick or if there was no poverty" etc. That world would be more cold and more selfish than this one. If there was no sickness or poverty, or any kind of need, none of our hearts would ever be motivated to think outside of ourselves.

friends and refrigerators

I have been in my new home for 5 days now and I love it. It is bright and airy and peaceful. I love living here. Friends have come by to visit which makes it even better. The only thing that has bugged me is my refrigerator door. The door opens the wrong way. Or at least it did until last night. I had decided I would just live with it until I lamented in front of my friends, "I wish this door opened the other way." In about 30 seconds Dave and Aaron had grabbed my tools and had the refrigerator and freezer doors off. They handily switched the direction of the door and now my place is perfect. Here are some pics to commemorate the event!

my 10 things

10 things you might not know about me. Inspired by Beth.

1. I am afraid of needles. Getting them, not giving them.
2. I used to eat sugar out of the sugar bowl with a spoon when my mother wasn't looking. It was more about getting away with it than it was about the sugar.
3. From grade 4 to 8 I would write a will before summer vacation would start. Maybe I should get one now.
4. I won the district scholarship for saxophone.
5. Bach is my least favorite composer to play.
6. In grade 8 I got beaten up in the swimming pool change room on the second to last day of school by three very mean girls.
7. I have dated two guys 10 years younger than me and one 10 years older.
8. Grandparents are not part of my memory.
9. Currently I am silently protesting paying for something related to my Nursing license.
10. I have been craving a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for approximately 3 months but I have successfully thwarted the temptation so far.

read my friend's blog

Please, please, please read Brandon's latest blog entry. I dare you to do it without getting a little choked up. I also dare you to not think a little more clearly about your own life and how out of whack this world we live in is. But there is hope and somtimes it comes in the form of water from a spout. Read his blog and you'll understand what I mean. The link is to the right. Brandon in Burundi.

It's been a while

It has been a little while since I've written and a few people have pointed it out. So here I am writing. And I'm not really sure what I will say. Maybe that's a good thing. In fact I am in the middle of a situation that isn't really what was expected or dreamt about but may actually be the best thing. That is yet to be determined. I am trying to find great pleasure in the unknown and the unexpected. It really does make life so interesting. I'm reminded of a great quote. Here it is:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers that cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually without noticing it live along some distant day into the answer.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Here is something that was totally unexpected but makes me giddy if I think about it or tell someone the story. So here goes. A few weeks ago my friend Dana asked me to play some keys on her album. Then she asked me to sing some background vocals. It was fun and exciting and entirely new. During that whole process the lead vocalist Melissa asked me if I wanted to play in her band. Then she asked me if I wanted to do a little singing with her. Then she asked, "are you free on July 18th?". I said, "I could be. why?" "well, there's a gig at the Railway Club." In about 60 seconds I went from playing a little on my friends EP to playing a gig in a club in downtown Vancouver. How did this happen?!! It all started by saying 'yes' to the unknown and the unexpected. How could life get any more interesting and exciting?

change

While on vacation last week I went for a drive in Waterloo. As I drove I thought and prayed and allowed myself to really feel what I was feeling, I realized that there have been a lot of difficult changes in my life over the past 6 months. Changes in relationships, both good and hard. Upcoming changes in living space which I'm sure will bring other changes. Changes inside of me and outside of me that all swirl together to either make me laugh with giddiness or, more often it seems, cry. As drove I spoke out loud to God, "do you actually love me? do you actually care about me and all these things going on around me? do you actually plan to do anything about all of this?" A Smart Car turned in front of me. I looked at the back of it. There were two bumper stickers. "Jesus loves You" and "God has plans for you". As much as part of me wants to shrug that off as coincidence more of me knows it was God and His gift to me.

lump in my throat

Things that have brought a lump to my throat in the past few weeks:

• riding my bike through a rainfall of cherry blossoms
• the death of my 30 something patient
• the visit of my former patient, a walking miracle, and her parents
• the hug of a friend
• seeing the city in glorious sunlight rising up from the water
• a sunset at English Bay
• a significant spiritual conversation
• playing Bach
• celebrating a birthday
• watching my mother make faces at a frog at the aquarium
• seeing my Dad use a walker
• laughing out loud with friends
• hearing the voice of Jesus say, "peace be still"

Global Rich List

I just found this website from a link on the blog of a friend. www.globalrichlist.com Go there. Put in your annual income and be astonished. I discovered I am the 55, 287, 298th wealthiest person in the world. Now that may not sound that great but when you think that the world's population is about 6.6 billion people my position in the top 1% is sobering to say the least. It makes my heart ache and I'm not sure what to do. Maybe the guy outside pushing his cart down the lane needs a few bucks or at least a couple of empty bottles.

lovely, lovely friends

For the last few days I have been sick. Sick to the point of needing to lie down after taking a shower or making tea. That kind of sick. I have watched an exorbitant number of movies. I have fallen asleep during most of them.

However, there have been some beautiful moments in the midst of the fear of swallowing. And these moments all have to do with my friends. They are lovely, lovely, lovely. From the frequent phone calls to dropping by to spending time with me to homemade chicken soup and fresh baked bread. These are people I do not deserve nor have I earned. They are the highlights of my life and I love them all.

george

If you ever come to my house you will find a small picture of George Clooney in a frame on my refrigerator. You will also find a picture of George with his good buddy Brad on the wall along with pictures of my friends. These pictures always spark conversation. Some find it amusing that George has earned a place of honour in my home. Others are slightly disturbed by his presence. Maybe even a little annoyed. The latter are usually male. My Dad has always enjoyed feigning irritation with me and my mother being so enamored with him. George will always be my star crush who makes me a little weak in the knees.

I saw Leatherheads tonight. I really enjoyed it because it was goofy and made me laugh out loud. There were a couple of scenes where I sighed. This made my friend Beth laugh at me. This picture is from the movie. Now I ask you, what girl wouldn't want to ride on the back of that motorbike? Especially when it would mean she'd get to hold onto him. Sigh.

childhood memory

This afternoon I made a new friend. See above picture. This lovely lady always seems to be sitting in the same place near the Coal Harbor entrance to Stanley Park. So I sidled up beside her and my friend Beth took our picture.

One of the highlights of the day however was finding this stuff. Some of you may remember The Pop Shoppe. When I was a little girl with long blonde hair in pigtails, my dad used to take me with him to The Pop Shoppe. He would get me up on his shoulders while he pushed the cart around this warehouse full of cases of every flavor of pop you could imagine. I would exercise my leadership skills and choose the pop we should have from my 6 foot vantage point. My favorite, by far, was Black Cherry. Today while walking down Denman I noticed a sign that said, "Pop Shoppe available here." No way. I walk in and ask, "do you have Black Cherry?" "yes. it's in the top case." I squeal quietly with delight and then look at the man and say, "I think you're my new best friend." he smiles and says, "that'll be $4.24." I happily hand it over and take my pop. Fortunately Beth didn't have to put me on her shoulders to facilitate pop selection.

my favorite flower

Have you ever gone to a corner store intending to buy yourself your favorite flower just because it makes you happy? Have you ever gotten to the counter only to have the man in front of you say, "Oh, you shouldn't have bought me a flower?" Then after explaining you were actually buying the flower for yourself did the man say, "no girl should ever buy a flower for herself" only to plunk the money on the counter? Has that ever happened to you? Well, it happened to me...today...at the corner store...and this is the flower.

wisdom

A few weeks ago I spent the afternoon with my mom. We went to White Rock and I took a few pictures. This was one of them. The pier at White Rock is quite long and leads to a beautiful view. My mom and I walked along the pier and talked. We always have good conversations. Being 72 she has acquired a lot of wisdom, but I'm pretty sure she also has the gift of wisdom as far as spiritual gifts go. When I was in a situation and I just didn't know what to do she said, "I guess you shouldn't do anything yet then." When I found myself worried about the same thing over and over she said, "what would happen if you loved Jesus first instead?" When I was doubting whether or not things would work out in the best way possible she said, "I've doubted God in this too but the other day I found a note that said 'from someone who loves you' and I felt like it was God reminding me He loves me. I think he's trying to remind you too. And that's what matters isn't it?" She's right. That is what matters.

This morning, Passover morning, our pastor reminded us that this coming week is the most important week in the Christian calendar. It is the week when Jesus walked that long road to the cross. He went from popularity to persecution. From freedom to the weight of sin. From earth to heaven. We went from brokenness to wholeness. From torture to peace. From time to eternity.

When I think about this week in light of my circumstances I am humbled by how easily I get swayed from this truth. How easily my thoughts are consumed by things that don't matter in the end. Jesus loves me. He loves you. "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16.

glasses

I've decided if I want to become a serious writer I need to get some glasses. While attending a writing workshop yesterday I was intrigued by the women in the room who were wearing glasses. They would have their glasses on while writing. Then during discussion they would remove them and hold them in their hand. Gesticulating was more profound because of those glasses. And somehow whatever they were saying seemed that much smarter. Knowing myself as I do, I think glasses are the answer I'm looking for.

last night

Last night I was walking home from a friend's along 12th Ave. As I got near the corner of Spruce and 12th I saw a dog sitting on the grass and I said out loud to myself, "That dog looks a little odd." In an instant the dog lunged at me in a full on rage, barking and snarling with his teeth bared. My heart was in my throat and adrenalin surged through my veins. "NO! Don't bite me" as I kicked my leg out at him. Fortunately, the dog's teeth did not meet my flesh and he skulked into the bushes. I crossed the street and proceeded home. Even now this makes my heart race a little.

stay to the right

Stay to the right. It's a phrase that could keep us all from some potentially dangerous and/or embarrassing situations. For example, when the ambulance is flying down the road with it's lights on and sirens blaring...stay to the right. When you are on the highway and you aren't passing someone...stay to the right. When you're going in for that first kiss...stay to the right. Finally, when you are at the grocery store, like I was today, and someone is approaching you with a fully loaded cart...stay to the right. It would just make everything so much easier.

a hug

On Friday night I spent the evening with a few other folks handing out food and socks and clothing to homeless people on the streets and in the alley's of Vancouver. One pair offered us a laptop. Another man offered his life story. Another man we found binning had piercingly beautiful eyes. I think if he shaved off his beard he would be one of those men you look at twice. As the evening came to an end we approached a couple of guys who both had overflowing carts likely containing all of their worldly possessions. I asked one of them if he wanted a pair of socks which he took. He then looked at me and said, "Can I have a hug?" To which I responded, "no". He said, "aw come on" and something inside of me broke. "Okay". So I hugged him. Rather, he hugged me. Surprisingly he smelled like cologne. The polite amount of time past and I released my arms to back away and he kept hugging. At first a little bit of panic went through me and I said, "you can let go now." He said, "uh huh". But he didn't let go. One of the other girls I was with said, "hey! let her go." Reluctantly he released me. "thanks." "you're welcome." I wonder how often he gets hugged? How often does he even have someone touch him in a positive way?

My heart is a little sad that my first response was "no". I'm sad that I have been conditioned by society and my humanity to resist that from someone like him. A homeless person who has chosen out of circumstance or necessity to live outside the realm of normalcy. At least what most would consider normal. He is a person who is of equal value to me and you. He has the same blood and organs as anyone else. He likely desires many of the same things you and I desire. To be loved and cared for. He has a soul and a spirit. He is valuable simply because he is. Had I chosen not to hug him I would have reinforced to him that he is undesirable and unworthy when in fact the opposite is true. Sadly, I hesitated. Gladly, he was hugged. I hope I embrace the next opportunity with a resounding yes. Yes! I will hug you or feed you or clothe you or visit you because you are and that is enough.

pray

In the movie Shadowlands, which is about C.S. Lewis' twilight romance with Joy Gresham, he says something profound about prayer. He says, "I pray because I have to. I pray because I have no other choice. Prayer doesn't change God, it changes me." This statement resonated with my soul because it's so true. Praying brings us into alignment with the Almighty. It calms our souls and directs our paths. It helps us to understand what is happening presently and to give us hope for the future. It's what Philippians says, "the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

cupcake

Today, two of my coworkers and I got into the patient transport elevator after making a trip to Starbuck's. All three of us had steaming cups of coffee that filled the elevator with a fantastic aroma. One of my coworkers had also purchased a cupcake. There was a patient on a stretcher who looked up at me with some longing. I said, "I'm sorry we're on the elevator with this wonderful smelling stuff." He said, "It does smell good but I'd want donuts with my coffee." "Well, all we've got is a cupcake." "Honey, you're the only cupcake on this elevator." Big grin and a wink from the stretcher. Big grin and a thank you from me.

posting request

Certain friends have noted that it has been a few days since my last post. I do not think I have anything nearly as witty to say as my friend Beth and her suggestions of butterscotch pranks. I am not sure I have anything witty to say at all. However, because certain friends want me to post I think I will report a couple of scores from recently played games. I only do this because I continue to be on the longest losing streak in Monopoly against said friends. I bet I could be in The Guiness Book of World Records for successive losses at Monopoly. We should be keeping better tally. I digress. A couple of weeks ago I won Ticket to Ride with 156 points. My friend, who laughs maniacally when it is clear I will lose at Monopoly again, only got 81 points. Please note that my score came close to doubling his. Tonight, while playing Scrabble with the other friend I got 312 points and she got 260. I love that I have this blog where these scores will be catalogued forever.

crosswalk

About 840 this morning I crossed the street near an elementary school. A girl around 12 years old held out a stop sign so I could cross the street safely. I looked at her and said, "thank you." Then I chuckled to myself. What a great moment at the beginning of my day.

attraversiamo

Right now I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love. I know, I know it's popular and trendy but sometimes things are popular and trendy for a reason. This book isn't a handbook or a how to book. It is simply a woman's story about a year in her life where she found some healing. The first portion of that year was spent in Italy. She spends time in Italy learning italian because it is a beautiful language. Her favorite word is attraversiamo. It means "let's cross over". People say it to each other when they are walking down the street. Attraversiamo. Let's go to that side instead. She likes the word because it sounds beautiful. I like the word for it's symbolism.

Imagine walking down the 'street' with someone you love and you want to go to the other side but it's just too much to do alone. Attraversiamo. Let's cross over...together. Or better yet. You want to cross over but you just don't have it within you to say it. The person you love and who loves you says it. Attraversiamo. They say it because they know you and they want to walk to the other side with you. It's beautiful isn't it?

conviction

Yesterday I was listening to a sermon while I drove in rush hour traffic. It was on Philippians 4. The title was The Guide to Joy in Anxiety. The preacher made a statement that has been resonating in my brain. He said, "Anxiety is not a state to be managed. It's a sin to be repented of." He pretty much reached out through the CD player and punched me in the head. He went on to say, "If you let anxiety rule you, you are declaring anxiety to be Lord and we all know the truth. Jesus is Lord." I realized in that moment that I have been repeatedly negating Jesus' rule in my life. That's why it says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition present your requests before God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6,7.

The other thing that struck me this week happened while I was reading a poem. Ron Reed, who is the director at Pacific Theatre, has a blog called Oblations. The current post is a poem by Wendell Berry. The second paragraph says:

So, friends, every day do something that won’t compute.

Love the Lord. Love the world.

Work for nothing.Take all that you have and be poor.

Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace the flag.

Hope to live in that free republic for which it stands.

Give your approval to all you cannot understand.

Praise ignorance, for what man has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Do I do something everyday that doesn't compute with this world? Do I?

hills

I suck at hills. Today Karla and I went for a bike ride through downtown, around English Bay, stopped at Starbuck's, rode around Science World and up the hill to home. I approached the hill and thought, "cake". Halfway up the hill I found myself rapidly gearing down cursing the 3 remaining blocks until reprieve. I made it to the top but wondered if my quads would rebel tomorrow in Pilates.

Riding up the hill caused me to think about figurative hills. We all have hills. Short steep hills that just need a little more muscle and a couple of deeper breaths. Long, steady hills that never seem to end. "oh my gosh is this ever going to end?" But it has to end some time. There has to be reprieve. There has to be a flat space where the pedalling can stop and you can just coast. The flat part may not last long and it's just there to prepare you for the next inevitable hill.

I've thought about trying to ride around, both figuratively and literally, without ever going up a hill. It's mostly possible but it's not very challenging and it certainly doesn't result in much. There is no sense of accomplishment. No sense of improvement. No sense of danger. No need for faith. In the long run I guess I need hills; physically, spiritually and emotionally. I guess that's why the bible says, "consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James (the brother of Jesus) 1:2-4

who knew?

Who knew vacation could be almost as tiring as work?!

Highlights of my 9 days off so far:

1) spontaneous dinner, games and American Gladiator gathering with Dave, Karla and Brad

2) cycling faster than I thought I could 'cause the bike has been a little neglected this fall

3) spontaneous prayer with Steve and Evy

4) writing

5) quitting my job at VGH (okay, that was last week...but the joy of the decision lingers this week)

6) shopping at Superstore during the day, during the week.

Highlights yet to come:

1) movie with my roommate. Yes it will be a cheesy romance...we both need a little shot of unrealistic hope.

2) bridal shower for a girl from the ICU

3) dinner for Aaron's birthday

4) Beth staying overnight and Sabrina making us crepes on Saturday morning!

5) Caracasonne with Jill and Colin

6) Paul's birthday

7) lunch with my parents

8) unexpected spontaneous things and people and situations

Honestly I wish I could be independently wealthy....

coffee

I love coffee. In fact I am drinking a cup of coffee while writing this post. What do I love about coffee? I love the taste. I love the warmth. I love the smell. Especially when I open a brand new bag of coffee and pour it into the air tight canister I store it in. That is a wonderful moment. I do not like milk in my coffee. It must be cream. And I have finally determined that I like a little bit of sugar. I have tried a few times to eliminate sugar from my coffee but there is no point. I like it and that's the way it will be. Just half a teaspoon. At home I drink coffee in one certain mug. It's white with a navy blue stripe around the top. I wash that cup by hand every day so I can have my coffee in it.

Some people will say that coffee isn't good for you but there is much evidence to the contrary. There is no link to cancer or diabetes. There is no evidence it's bad during pregnancy. There are lots of antioxidants!! If you care to take a little quiz about coffee you can visit http://www.coffeeandhealth.ca/

If you like coffee too let's have a cup together. I'm not working for the next 9 days so I have lots of time.